6 Months Later

I’ve been in limbo between 2 places for the past 6 months.

Between a place of joy and a place of grief.

Between a place of complete peace & pain.

I wish I could confidently say that  I am 100% ok - but then again - who really is ever one hundred?

It’s that odd situation where I’m thankful that I’m alive yet full of sadness for what was taken.

That place between being on cloud 9 that my body was protected from harm  and grieving over what I lost to protect my body.

I count my blessings and my heart is overwhelmed.

I grieve, yet I’m blessed.

I’m excited for what the future holds yet long for what wasn’t.

The joy is REAL, because I can now live without the pain that was ever so present - the pain that alerted me that there was something wrong in my body.

I don’t have tumors in me anymore!!

I get to walk, I get to live without constant pain.

I also long for the opportunity I was never given or never took.

There is freedom in not holding on to grief - there is freedom in my sharing -

I applaud anyone that’s ever walked through a battle with cancer - because I feel so blessed that I didn’t have to walk through that.

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude that I “beat” cancer before it begun in my body.

But I’m also left walking in this new path called Infertility. 

So you ask - “Rhema how are you doing?”

6 months later this is me - the rawness is real - the joy is not fake - yet the grief is also present. 

I know God protected me and I know that God has something amazing up his sleeve for me and my husband.

I have never doubted that I’m in the palm of his hand and that he loves me more than I can imagine - learning it’s ok to grieve and have joy at the same time.

I’m a mess of emotions - yet I’m thankful.

 Some of my sweet visitors while I was in the hospital praying for me.