Choose Joy
Life is good. Life is really good. I'm so blessed. My clothes fit me tight, which means I have more than enough to eat, my account is not ballin' like I'd like it to, but I'm never in need.
I'm months away from completing my studies as an undergrad( 81 days to be exact), I have amazing family, handsome fiancé, I can walk and have cute shoes under my bed.
Oh and did you know that I'M GETTING married this year?! Yes I'm enjoying every minute of it. With bittersweet tears in my eyes and tons of Joy I'm soaking it all in
Although I have so many flippin' amazing friends, family and followers that enjoy seeing all my wedding planning posts, I'm pretty sure there's people out there that may be slightly annoyed already... I mean come on! Everything can't BE perfect! And that's ok, it's true there are parts of me that I'd like to hide away from people because I'd rather spread Joy and happiness because there's already enough negativity and sadness that surrounds us.
But my sweet friend Yvonne Rodriguez reminded me that it's good to be vulnerable and transparent and that LIFE CAN SUCK.
Plain and simple; with all the blessings, there are things that can take my mind traveling to dark depressing times. Yup! Memories can trigger such deep ugly feelings I like to keep to myself. I am positive we all have certain memories, situations and feelings we all try to keep in a hidden place, so far from people that we even forget ourselves at times that those parts of our heart even exist.
But yet, some parts of these memories make my heart smile, it's confusing I know so let me take you back for a sec to help you understand what I mean....
I was a senior in high school when I had the biggest crush on the funniest guy in school. Everyone knew who he was, he was the one guy everyone was friends with, even the "uncool" kids (whatever that meant back in high school life).
I met him when we both did senior year community service hours at a 6th grade camp at Alliance Redwoods.
He made fun of me when I fearfully had to do the zip lining jump after I just told all the 6th graders they should face their fears and JUMP. He said "show them!". Mind you I have a huge fear of heights. As I was being strapped in he laughed as I shook my head in terror. I was about to jump to my death and this "funny" guy was about to get socked in the face if I survived.
Of course I survived. Here's proof that we became friends after I lived:
Those memories make my heart smile. Those I would not trade for anything in the world.
Then are the ones that I cringe at the thought of. This past weekend I ran into his best friend and although he is an awesome person I couldn't help but think to myself, "how much does he miss A.J.?" Of course I didn't ask him, but I certainly thought it. I miss his humor and his contagious laugh, I'm sure everyone else does too.
There are times when I get into the passenger seat and I cringe when we hit a bump in the road and my mind flashes back to the day he lost his life in front of my brother and I.
There are times when I hear a helicopter and my heart races as it tries to forget the day The Life Flight helicopter showed up at the scene of his death. It was too late, he was lifeless.
Somedays I wonder if he'd be graduating college too. My heart wanders to the "what ifs". Those what ifs are dangerous, they my dear friends are the thoughts that can either break or make my day.
You see I was driving that day he died in the passenger seat.
I'm sure some readers out there know the story(but for those that don't I will definitely be writing a follow up blog)...
You see healing comes from speaking about hurts... Although many amazing things are going on in my life this year, there will always be a piece of me that hurts the same way it did when the fireman told me he didn't make it. Not everyone has gone through such a traumatic experience, but everyone has HURT.
Deep hurt.
The type of hurt that can make you feel like throwing up and crying at the same time, rolling up into
a ball and choosing to wallow in a sadness alone.
Yup I still get that.
But almost 9 years later I've had to teach myself how to chose Joy.
Yea there are days I cry when I think about where A.J. would have been in life if he were still alive.
I think about him at least once a day, but I've learned that it's up to us to chose joy. Like Yvonne said, we can't lose hope. I stay hopeful for things to come. Hopeful that The best really is yet to come.
No where in the bible says that we are guaranteed happiness, but we are promised. Joy.
So chose Joy although it may hurt, and count your blessings. It's perfectly ok to have sucky days, but shake them off quickly because life has good things to offer and let's keep our eyes focused on the good things in life.
I'm months away from completing my studies as an undergrad( 81 days to be exact), I have amazing family, handsome fiancé, I can walk and have cute shoes under my bed.
Oh and did you know that I'M GETTING married this year?! Yes I'm enjoying every minute of it. With bittersweet tears in my eyes and tons of Joy I'm soaking it all in
Although I have so many flippin' amazing friends, family and followers that enjoy seeing all my wedding planning posts, I'm pretty sure there's people out there that may be slightly annoyed already... I mean come on! Everything can't BE perfect! And that's ok, it's true there are parts of me that I'd like to hide away from people because I'd rather spread Joy and happiness because there's already enough negativity and sadness that surrounds us.
But my sweet friend Yvonne Rodriguez reminded me that it's good to be vulnerable and transparent and that LIFE CAN SUCK.
Plain and simple; with all the blessings, there are things that can take my mind traveling to dark depressing times. Yup! Memories can trigger such deep ugly feelings I like to keep to myself. I am positive we all have certain memories, situations and feelings we all try to keep in a hidden place, so far from people that we even forget ourselves at times that those parts of our heart even exist.
But yet, some parts of these memories make my heart smile, it's confusing I know so let me take you back for a sec to help you understand what I mean....
I was a senior in high school when I had the biggest crush on the funniest guy in school. Everyone knew who he was, he was the one guy everyone was friends with, even the "uncool" kids (whatever that meant back in high school life).
I met him when we both did senior year community service hours at a 6th grade camp at Alliance Redwoods.
He made fun of me when I fearfully had to do the zip lining jump after I just told all the 6th graders they should face their fears and JUMP. He said "show them!". Mind you I have a huge fear of heights. As I was being strapped in he laughed as I shook my head in terror. I was about to jump to my death and this "funny" guy was about to get socked in the face if I survived.
Of course I survived. Here's proof that we became friends after I lived:
Then are the ones that I cringe at the thought of. This past weekend I ran into his best friend and although he is an awesome person I couldn't help but think to myself, "how much does he miss A.J.?" Of course I didn't ask him, but I certainly thought it. I miss his humor and his contagious laugh, I'm sure everyone else does too.
There are times when I get into the passenger seat and I cringe when we hit a bump in the road and my mind flashes back to the day he lost his life in front of my brother and I.
There are times when I hear a helicopter and my heart races as it tries to forget the day The Life Flight helicopter showed up at the scene of his death. It was too late, he was lifeless.
Somedays I wonder if he'd be graduating college too. My heart wanders to the "what ifs". Those what ifs are dangerous, they my dear friends are the thoughts that can either break or make my day.
You see I was driving that day he died in the passenger seat.
I'm sure some readers out there know the story(but for those that don't I will definitely be writing a follow up blog)...
You see healing comes from speaking about hurts... Although many amazing things are going on in my life this year, there will always be a piece of me that hurts the same way it did when the fireman told me he didn't make it. Not everyone has gone through such a traumatic experience, but everyone has HURT.
Deep hurt.
The type of hurt that can make you feel like throwing up and crying at the same time, rolling up into
a ball and choosing to wallow in a sadness alone.
Yup I still get that.
But almost 9 years later I've had to teach myself how to chose Joy.
Yea there are days I cry when I think about where A.J. would have been in life if he were still alive.
I think about him at least once a day, but I've learned that it's up to us to chose joy. Like Yvonne said, we can't lose hope. I stay hopeful for things to come. Hopeful that The best really is yet to come.
No where in the bible says that we are guaranteed happiness, but we are promised. Joy.
So chose Joy although it may hurt, and count your blessings. It's perfectly ok to have sucky days, but shake them off quickly because life has good things to offer and let's keep our eyes focused on the good things in life.
(Read Yvonne's blog here; Wanderlustscripts
