Refining Not Defining: AJ Part 1

April 11^th, Today is the 11 year anniversary that my brother, A.J. and I were in a fatal car accident. We lost an amazing person that day… 

this day always makes me cringe. I always go back to the what if questions and why him and not me?

I don’t even know where to start or how to put this all together… All I do know for certain is that I have to write to bring closure to my soul and maybe just maybe my experience will help at least one person. 

I must warn you, it’s a messy story, it has tragic moments, but it also has triumphs. If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you might have an idea. But now, now I need to write this out for me, for people who have walked alongside me, for people that looked at me weird, for AJ, for people that pointed at me, those people that assumed I was ok, people that uplifted me, people that carried me when I couldn’t crawl any longer because walking was not an option, people that challenged me to make something of this beautiful mess I was left with.

          “…be glad, even if you have a lot of trouble. ³ You know that you learn to endure by having your faith tested. ⁴ But you must learn to endure everything, so that you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything” James 1:2-4

That verse… oh that verse, I wish I could tell you how many times people have read this to me; at times I would find it so annoying. Seriously how are you going to tell someone who is going through hell, “hey be glad!”… I laugh at this now, but let me tell you there were days I had to fight everything within me not to hit someone in the face and tell THEM, “you be glad!!” ahahaha… but oh how beautiful & true God’s word is. I am not the girl I was 11 years ago. My faith was tested, I had to endure things I would never wish my worst enemy to go through, but I love this verse. I take it as a promise to you and me that EVERY single thing we face, if we give it a chance, can refine us and NOT Define us. 

It's up to us to take what life has dealt us and learn from it, grieve through it and allow God to turn it into something beautiful... or we can curl up, hate life, and be bitter.

Every time our faith is tested we are refined. 

I am stronger, I am wiser… NOT perfect, not completely mature, but I can share my story so that it may bring ONE person hope. 

I am glad that God NEVER said life would be easy. God did promise that going through hell would make us mature, would help build up character and endurance, he promised that ALL things work for the good of those who love him, even when we have no idea how.

I first took the idea of a 10 year anniversary blog to Pastor Kathy, (She’s pretty awesome, and an amazing storyteller) in the rough draft I listed all the people I wanted to thank but, Kathy pointed out… much more needed to be said.  Will be writing a series of blogs to share this. So please stick with me as I attempt to write about my experiences, about how AJ will always be my hero, how I grew, what I felt, who laughed with me, who prayed with me, how many times I peed my pants, many times giving up was easier to reach, times I asked why me and most importantly times I saw God’s hand gather the mess in his hands and create something beautiful. Stretching myself out and writing over the next few months… something that has terrified me so much… but oh well.. here goes!

What hardships have you been through and how did they refine you? Have you ever felt like slapping someone when they said, “oh honey everything happens for a reason??” or am I alone on this? Ahahaha